DLA

Having had a diagnosis for #2 that he is autistic, albeit mild, I learned that we might be able to claim Disability Living Allowance on the basis that he needs more help than the average 9 year old. So I downloaded a form. Oh mu God, it ’s long, complex, and quite difficult to answer.

The easiest way to do it is to just be totally honest in answer to the questions. Well, that’s not what all the advice sites say, they say to really exaggerate, but I found that I was surprised by how much I actually do for him and so simple honesty seemed just fine to me. As much as the top rate of DLA might be wonderful, I would be grateful if I got any, because although I do a lot more for him than I do and have done for my others – even the 6 year old is more independent than #2 – I don’t really know what’s average for a child his age. He might only be normal, really.

Well, after several weeks of waiting, and having the DLA people write to both the school and the consultant, I had a phone call on Monday asking to clarify the night care #2 needs. Now Ioften have to get up to deal with night terrors, nightmares, drinks and bedclothes. Not all the time, but it can be more often if he’s stressed, and of course it is unpredictable and could be any night. But I know that some children are prone to sleep problems even at the age of 9 without it being any kind of disability-related problem. So I still don’t know if it counts.

I did have some money paid into my bank account the other day, which was nice, so evidently I do qualify for something, but what it is I just haven’t a clue really. I haven’t had the letter yet! By sitting and doing some sums I think I have worked out what it is – middle rate plus lower mobility allowance. Which is £62.60 a week all told. Just for filling in a form! And for the effort of making a free phone call I can get another £48.84 a week from the tax credits because you get extra for “disabled” children. I could also claim carer’s allowance (worth up to £50 a week but it’s means tested so probably about £10-15). We may qualify for housing benefit and council tax benefit because of the extra allowances and the fact that much of this extra money is not counted as income!

This is going to make life soooooo much easier. The last few months, with the increases in fuel and food, have been really tough. I thought I must be frittering money away but couldn’t think what on. Then I realised how much prices have gone up, with pasta doubling, for example, and bread and milk up about 25-40% each. As for diesel…..don’t talk to me about diesel! I drive a lot, especially with having to take #2 into school now (which he is much happier to do now he isn’t going on the bus!).

Well, if you are a random person out there who found this by typing in DLA, and has stuck with the whole rambling blog, I would say it is worth applying. You may or may not get anything, or what you expect, but the way things are right now every little helps. You just have to be really honest about what help you/your child needs, which can be painful and eye-opening. Especially if it’s your child, because you may not have realised just how much help you give them that is over normal. You just get on and do it when you’re a parent, don’t you?

Good luck

Talented?

 Two people have told me this week that #3 is really good at singing. One was the music teacher at the school, who ought to know a good singer when she hears one. “She keeps very good pitch,” she said. Can this be the same girl we’re talking about? I wondered. #3 Likes to make up tunes, and I guess her talents do not extend to the creation of music, at this point in time anyway.

 The headmistress, on the other hand, said that she had missed #3 on Wednesday (when she was off school ill) and hoped she would come back because she is basically the lead singer and it all fell apart dreadfully without her. #3 has great confidence, at least in a group, and will sing nice and loudly where others mostly just mumble along. Without her, I suppose the group just mumbled, while with her they would probably all sing a bit louder just because of the competition, if nothing else.

 So I find myself wondering if this is her “thing”. I do hope so. We can build on it, if that is the case. She needs something, I know that. I was telling her about all these people saying how good she was, and how proud that made me feel for her, and she put her hands over her ears and asked me to stop saying nice things to her. “It makes me feel strange,” she said. “I don’t like it.”

 I asked her if it made her feel uncomfortable. If she felt she didn’t deserve it. If she thought she only deserved to be shouted at and told off. She agreed with all of these. Which is really, really sad. No 6-year-old should feel that they don’t deserve praise. What have we done to her?

 She is a difficult child, quite hyper, never listens, very clumsy, never thinks about consequences in any way shape or form. So she does get told off a lot. And shouted at because just asking quietly simply never gets through. And I always feel bad about it, but it seems the only way most of the time. But now it is definitely time for a change, because I cannot face myself about this, about the way she’s feeling. I have told her Dad too. We have to stop saying things like “You never…..” and “Why is it always you?” and “You always…..” Always and Never are about to become banned words in our house, except in those very strict circumstances where they are absolutely correct, necessary or are being used positively (eg “You are always so good at getting in the bath.”)

 I know this smacks of modern, liberal, wishy-washy “positive parenting”, but at the minute my daughter’s self-esteem is being crushed and it seems as though we are the ones responsible for that. It is a hard time for the middle 2 children at the minute. They know their sister is moving out soon, but there is no real fixed date for anything at present. #2 in particular can’t really cope with such open-ended arrangements, and I think it’s getting to #3 too. So they need support through it, and a lot more patience than they have been getting from us. I think things will settle down after the summer, but in the meantime I must try much harder.

Anyway, I am just about to go and hear this singing angel at her final assembly, and if she really is as fantastic as they say, I will have to see what can be done to give her a boost, something of her own that she’s really good at, and that can bolster her overall confidence. Talented? I think there is a strong possibility that she is.

Nearly There

I am referring to my daughter moving out. It won’t be long now. My parents are almost ready for the room to be decorated and re-carpeted. Then it’ll be sorting out the furnishings, getting all the baby stuff over there, and then #1 just has to decide when she is actually going to move. She will need to apply for benefits that day! And hope they come through quickly, too, as my parents are in no position to actually support her financially in any way.

There is probably a way around that, because at the minute I claim child tax credit for her. This means that I can claim a maternity grant on her behalf, which in turn will mean that she gets the money sooner, leaving her more choice of when to actually move. It’s £500 so it will cover board for a few weeks if necessary, as well as enabling her to buy anything else that she still needs, which isn’t a lot. A steriliser. Some nappies. Those hospital essentials every new mother needs. And we need to check how she is doing for newborn clothes, because we haven’t actually counted them yet and it’s always possible she might not have enough.

Nearly there, of course, also refers to the fact that #1 is almost 35 weeks now, and so it is a little over a month until the baby is due. She and her b/f are still unsure what to call the baby, but have agreed on the name Jay at the minute. B/f also wants Damien as a middle name, but he has been on this Damien theme for months now. Personally I think it’s a wind-up, lol, as he is a total piss-taker at all possible times. I have a suspicion that as soon as the baby is born, having seen his beloved girlfriend go through labour (yes, he insists on being there), he will let her call the baby whatever she wants to.

I can hardly believe that I am going to be a grandmother so soon. I told an old school friend the other day, as he is going to be in the country in August and has therefore sparked a bit of a reunion. So I had to mention that there was a chance I might not make it, babies being unpredictable little things when it comes to arrival. He was quite shocked at the thought of me being a granny! I do like surprising people. Mind you, I was surprised that he didn’t know what pmsl and flmao meant (although that can also be lmfao), considering the amount of time he seems to spend on the Internet. Ah, well.

Nearly there can also be applied to the summer holidays (OH! MY! GOD!), #4’s teeth coming through, my dear doggie coming on heat (at which time I intend to breed her with a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel – should be a nice cross), and probably a whole host of other things I can’t quite remember. But right now what is most nearly here is Saturday, and on Saturday I am selling Go-Go bags at my son’s school fair, of which I have 161 small and 55 large – and I haven’t sewn them up yet!!!!!!!!!

Better get a move on then……..

Poorly Children

 What a week! #3 has been running a slight temperature but going to school anyway. #2 has been off for 2 days with a sore throat. No temperature but his tonsils did indeed look red and spotty. All better now, he decided to complain of terrible stomach ache this morning, probably brought on by the fact I told him last night he would probably be well enough for school today! So I sent him in (we were late, the traffic was awful) and then took #3 over to her school, whereupon she burst into tears and said she didn’t think she was well enough for school today.

 This is so unlike #3 (as I said, she has been going in with a mild temperature all week) that I brought her home. This does unfortunately mean that I have her sitting here complaining that she needs a dummy all day. The last of the dummies seem to have mysteriously disappeared; this is seriously nothing to do with me but I do think that at 6 years old she will just have to get over it, really. I had a bit of a look yesterday, but I am not well myself so I’m not going to bend over backwards to find one of the damn things when I am trying to get her off them anyway.

 At least the others are okay but I am on antibiotics for mastitis, which is the worst thing in the universe short of tooth abscesses and childbirth. The breast pain in bad enough, but the horrible flu-like pain in every muscle of your body is just awful. I mean, I’ve had flu but this is even more painful than that. Honestly! So I feel like crap, to be honest and I can do without the children being a pain in the bum.

 #1 is doing okay though, despite being almost 8 months pregnant now. She has a little teeny-weeny bump and has not put on a pound in weight, which means she is actually thinner than when she started although that doesn’t show too much at the minute. Her arms and face look thinner. Not scarily thin though, and she has been eating well up until the last few days, which is a normal thing because the baby will now be squashing her stomach so that very little food fits in.

 And #4 is well, but busy. She is also teething which is making her a wee bit grumpy. It’s her eye teeth, as they call them, the pointy canines which are the worst apparently. They’re nearly there, though, so this  grumbliness should soon be over. My own general grumbles will probably not be over any time soon, however. There’s always something new to complain about, isn’t there?

The Runaround

 Well isn’t it fun when you phone someone to try and find something out and they pass you on to someone else, and they pass you on to someone else…..etc? This is what I am doing at the minute, spending my life on hold in what is possibly a fruitless task anyway. But if you don’t ask you don’t get, so it is probably worth doing, even if it is really hard to find the right person to ask.

This is the situation. My son is entitled to free transport to school. For the last 2 years he has had a bus pass. This is great, it really is; the bus collects him at the end of the road and takes him into school, collecting him in the afternoon and dropping him off back where he started. All at no cost to me. Fantastic. Except that he is really struggling to cope with the bus and I am now driving him to and from school, a 10 mile round trip twice a day. This autism business is a bit expensive at times.

So what I am trying to find out is if the county could possibly pay a fuel allowance instead of sending a bus pass. It is a waste of their money to send a ticket that will never be used and I could really use the help with the ever-rising cost of diesel. I suppose at the very least this quest will save county £300 a year in bus fares, but it would be helpful if I could have that money, although it will not by any means cover my own costs. The fuel allowance is a fairly generous 22.5p per mile, but I suspect that they only count the journey to school in the morning and home in the afternoon, not my own return trips. Still, £2.25 a day would cover the cost, just.

Unfortunately it is difficult to track down exactly who it is that deals with this. I did try asking the Education Welfare Officer who came to see us in November about my son’s poor attendance if she could help. She hasn’t got back in touch with me yet, despite 2 further phone calls to her answerphone. Ah, the joys of technology. So this morning I tried to find out for myself. I called the SCC helpline and was referred to the Petrol Reimbursement Officer (there really is a person whose sole duty it is to deal with this issue). He couldn’t help me, as it needs to be referred to him by someone official. He gave me a number that turned out to be the Special Educational Needs department. As my son isn’t Statemented they were unable to help. They referred me back to the SCC helpline and told me to ask for Admissions and Transport – but not until 2 o’clock, as they don’t answer the phone before then!

Talk about being given the runaround. And of course I fully expect to spend some more time on hold, and probably I will be given yet another number to call. At the end of the day I am fairly sure I will be told that it is not possible for them to provide help with transport other than a bus pass as they are only obliged to provide the most cost effective (ie cheapest) form of transport for free and my son doesn’t have a statement saying he needs to be driven in.

Bugger.

Go-Go Crazy Bones Go!!

Well, if you have a child aged between about 6-11 you will already know all you need to about these small plastic creatures that come in packets of 3 for 99p. They are the latest craze among school-children, and a great craze they too.

I took my son into school late a couple of weeks ago. It was break time and it was lovely to see groups of children, heads down, concentrating on a game of go-gos. Everywhere I looked there were groups and huddles of kids and small, brightly-coloured creatures on the ground, bench or table in front of them. Harking back to the days before marbles were banned, it was a wonderful sight.

I know many people might not agree with me, not least the teachers who have to sort out disputes involving who owns which go-go and whether the games was actually for keeps or not. But I think it is a great game. It encourages co-operation, turn-taking, sharing and competition. All of these are good things, things we want to instill in our children. Who-ever came up with the idea had a stroke of genius that I am sure the company that produces them recognises. Marbles were banned in schools on the grounds that children could slip over on them, being little glass balls. No such problem with go-gos, which are all different shapes, but stand up on their little feet. Every one of them is designed to balance across one finger for ease of throwing, and the games are all basically the same games that were played with marbles before they were a threat to health and safety.

My nephew’s school has already taken the step of banning them, and I am sure others up and down the country have done so or are on the verge of following suit. My son’s school has taken a more enlightened approach, merely limiting the numbers by telling the children they may only bring 5 each in to school each day. This is still a staggering 2000 go-gos in a school with 400 pupils, but more manageable than the 12,000 that were previously in the place with the average pupil having about 30 of them. If they all managed to collect the full set of 80 different go-gos there could be a staggering 32,000 small plastic creatures in the school (over £10,000 worth in just one school!). Resolving the resultant disputes, misunderstandings and thefts would be a full-time job, reducing the time available for lessons to none whatsoever. So it is quite understandable that schools see the need to limit these toys. But banning them? Schoolchildren have far too few of these diversions left to them (no marbles or conkers or yo-yos – all banned). I say let them keep go-gos. The craze will die down and it will be a smaller proportion of the playground who retains an interest after a while. And that will be manageable.

Equality?

 Positive discrimination is not equality. Preferential treatment of any group or individual is discrimination, which is supposedly illegal. Today you are discriminated against if you are white, especially male, especially married. If you are any other colour, gender, sexuality, you have a far greater chance these days than an ordinary bloke. This is patently wrong.

I have nothing against everyone being given an equal chance. However, jobs should be given on merit. You want the best person for the job, even if they are purple with green horns. Well, actually these days I should say: even if they arewhite, middle-class, married male. If the best man for the job is a woman/gay/Asian/black/wheelchair-bound, that doesn’t matter. But they must not be given the job on the basis of what “sector” they come from.

Some of the ridiculous things that now count as discrimination, next thing you know all coal-mines will need to have wheelchair access and breast-feeding rooms in case cripples and mothers want to work down there.

Sadly there is no equality. Everyone is different. That is a basic fact of life. I am sick of reading about discrimination, I am sick of reading about women getting massive payouts because someone patted their backside at work. Men at work have always had a laddish culture. Women come into the workplace and expect it all to change to accommodate them. Is that equality? Expecting an entire workforce to make huge adjustments for one employee? For heaven’s sake, why don’t they just use their feminine wiles to get a promotion?

Okay, there is a line to be drawn somewhere. Sexual harassment can and does take place. But the vast majority of supposed sexual harassment is not that at all, it is merely poor stupid men carrying on their laddishness and putting a female employee’s nose out of joint by accident, not as a deliberate bullying tactic.

Oh, I despair. I really do. This country seems to be the only one in the world that implements every directive from Brussels, every idea they can get hold of from America, Australia, anywhere. Anything that might involve passing a new law and causing people more and more problems and difficulty in just simply getting on with their everyday life. This whole equality thing is just another area where normal everyday folk end up criminalised and demonised.

We will not revolt, however, because we are British and have stiff upper lips. We accept these things and try to carry on regardless. But the burden of laws and guidelines is becoming heavier and heavier and at some point we will simply collapse under their weight.

For Pity’s Sake!!

I just started writing a new post (again) and my little one sabotaged it (again!!!). The last 2 or 3 times she has simply turned off the pc by the big round button on the front mid-post. This time she grabbed the keyboard while I was answering the phone and deleted my p+6o3.0st.

………

Oh yes, she likes to kneel on the keyboard too, hence the odd spelling and punctuation above. Little toad.

 

Anyway, what was I writing about? Oh, yes, how boring I am, having not had anything I felt worth saying for the past 2 weeks. Also, I have been damned busy. My son has been causing all sorts of interesting problems, mostly involving serious tantrums at school. I am now driving him to and from school every day, despite the fact he has a free bus pass and that it costs me a fortune in diesel. 20 miles a day I drive for him and is he grateful? Of course not, he hates school! Well, he’s grateful when I pick him up, actually. Pathetically grateful, in fact. He hates school so much! Actually, it showed the depth of his hatred of the bus the other week when he refused to get on it to come home. The fact he threw a complete wobbler and had to be manhandled onto the bus by his teacher and then refused to sit down, screaming at the top of his voice (in front of a bus-load of his peers) really proved to me how very much he dislikes the bus, because he normally can’t wait to get away from school.

We did try to find out what the problem was and address the issues. Too hot? A handheld fan to keep him cool. Too noisy? Earplugs. But the earplugs kept popping out and the fan batteries ran out really quickly – yes, we replaced them a couple of time. In the end it was just easier (and cheaper) to accept the inevitable and drive him in. This autism business comes out in a variety of ways, mostly to do with noisy, chaotic and unpredictable things. Okay, the car could break down, but at least his trusted mother would be there to deal with it all and keep him calm.

Then there have been a couple of times when he has been late. These cause a repeat of the tantrum, usually held in front of a  classroom full of children, and last time in front of the entire playground. It culminated in me walking off while a teaching assistant restrained him. It was horrible. Most kids his age (9) would not behave like that with everyone watching. My son does not have those boundaries. He is more like a 4 or 5 year old child in certain respects, and this business of tantrumming at school is one of them. Yet the teachers say he is fine once he gets in and settles down. This is not what he feels. He describes school as torture. He would rather break both of his legs than go to school. Yet ask him what is wrong with it and he can’t really answer. “Everything” is not a proper answer. He can’t really verbalise exactly what it is about school that he hates so much. Maybe it is everything, but not individually. Perhaps it’s everything all rolled up together, coming at him relentlessly through the day in a way he has no control over. Maybe if it was all seperated out and ordered and stuck to a rigid timetable and was quiet and controlled at all the right times and someone was able to explain properly just exactly why it is that he has to go to school (“Because you just do,” is also not a proper answer but it’s all I’ve got!), maybe then it would be bearable.

But that isn’t going to happen.

If he is having this much trouble at junior school (especially on Tuesdays when he has 3 different teachers through the course of the day), I shudder to think what effect secondary school is going to have on him. I guess we will just have to cross that bridge when we come to it, no point looking for trouble, etc….but I think it is probably as well to be prepared for the future, because this is what will happen if we don’t start putting things in place in the near future. I don’t want my son to go through an emotional meltdown.

Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, call it what you will. It is a nightmare to live with. He wishes he was just normal, and so do I, for his sake, at times. I would miss my dear little boy if it were to happen, though. He is a love. But his path through life will not be an easy one and I cry for him sometimes, because all I can do is try to help him learn how life works, I can’t live it for him, and I can’t take away the pain when it jumps up and bites him. I know all parents go through this. I have this with my other children too, but not to nearly the same extent. ASD children do not “get” the world, and probably will live their entire lives not getting it. They can learn to do the things we all automatically do to make the world go around, but they will never, ever understand why they have to.

Topical Debates

People obviously like to look at controversial stuff. I know that some of my own feelings about things are somewhat old-fashioned and therefore automatically controversial. I write about other things and no-one looks, lol. Of course, when it is something topical that does tend to mean that lots of people are looking for information about it.

I am not feeling very strongly irate about anything right now, though. I am far too tired for that. It’s ridiculous really, but the sunshine makes everything hurt. My legs hurt, my arms hurt, muscles, joints, the lot. I am utterly exhausted. I wake up as stiff as a board, not feeling refreshed at all by the sleep I’ve had. My youngest slept through the night for about a week (she’s woken up the last 2 nights though) and I actually feel worse when I have had an unbroken night! Which is ridiculous, really.

I think I had better go and talk to a doctor about this, but sadly I feel it won’t really be taken that seriously. As a 30-something mother of 4 suffering from post-natal depression I feel fairly sure that all this tiredness will be put down to me being a 30-something mother of 4 with pnd, lol. In other words, slightly neurotic and a bit of a hypochondriac.

Maybe I am just a hypochondriac. But yesterday I went to help out with the jumble sale at the school. I did a bit of help with sorting and wound up running the linen stall. Not very onerous to be honest, although it was quite hot and I didn’t have a chair. But after an hour I was dead on my feet, and the relief when my friend came and took over from me and sent me home (“you look awful, go away”) was immense. This is patently ridiculous, especially in light of the fact that the 80-year-old who ran it last year was on the bric-a-brac with some other ancients mainly because it was in the shade. And she had helped sorting out, and stayed all afternoon. I was totally knackered.

Four days later, I have since come down with a cold, but still feel that the level of exhaustion I felt was a bit ott. Life is pretty stressful at the minute what with one thing and another, perhaps that all it is. I’m running on empty and simply have no reserves for anything extra. Like sunshine. Perhaps I won’t go to the  doctor after all. Maybe I’ll go in a couple of weeks when I’m over the cold but still knackered and aching, which will be the case. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me at all. Or maybe I have gladular fever or something. Everyone else in my family has had it. Why not me too? Not that I’d want it. Not if this is what it feels like. No fun at all.

Whinge, moan, groan. Time to cheer up methinks. I can’t be doing with this.

Another month already

It’s June already, and I can hardly believe it. Everything has been quite upside-down since last September but the end is in sight. #1 has only 3 more weeks of college and I will be released from the tedious and exhausting business of driving her there. It’s only twice a week but the place is over 10 miles away and I have to do it twice each day which is 80 miles a week. Bloody expensive now too.

It will make life a bit, well, not easier but simpler. My son hates the bus but I can’t get him to school the days I take #1 to college. I will be able to take him in from the end of this month which will make him a bit happier. Not much, since he hates school anyway, but a bit.

Thankfully #3 is still joyously happy in her school and will stay there for at least another year.

At least one of them is settled. Of course I will have all of this shenanigans again in a few years’ time when #4 comes due for schooling, but I happy to leave that bridge well alone until I need to cross it.

Of course, the advent of June brings us that little bit closer to the other event of the year, the birth of my first grandchild. It is only 10 weeks now until the baby is due and frantic activity is taking place at my mother’s house to prepare the place for the arrival of her granddaughter and great grandson. #1 still hasn’t quite decided when she is going to move in, but I think when we have organised the place a bit better she will have a clearer idea. At the minute I think a part of her does not want to pile the pressure on to her grandparents by setting them a deadline. Of course, this is ignoring the fact that there is ultimately a deadline anyway, lol, but that’s youngsters for you!

The other part of her doesn’t really want to leave home, of course. Well that is for 2 reasons, one being she just doesn’t want to leave home yet and the other being that she feels guilty about disrupting her grandparents lives and putting them out etc. We have told her until we’re blue in the face that this is not an issue, but what can you do? Anyway, she is planning to help them with the housework and take turns to cook meals, so I am quite sure that they will not be put out at all. They think a lot of her and genuinely enjoy her company, which she reciprocates. The only concern is whether my father can truly cope with having a baby in the house.

He is disabled and also running (well, hobbling) around a lot after his own father (85) who was quite ill last November and has never really fully got over it. So my father is pretty exhausted, really. He doesn’t really cope that well with having the grandchildren over, at least most of the time, needing really to have plenty of warning in order to mentally prepare. Of course, the fact that he has had several months to get used to the idea this time around, plus it was his own idea in the first place, will probably help. And also when you have someone living with you it can be quite a different thing from having them visit. It can be more pressured, of course, but there is a good possibility that it will be easier to deal with for him because it is something that is there all the time, so a sort of background noise, if you like, rather than a sudden thing.

It’s a bit like the trains. Their house is next to a railway track, and of course they are well used to the trains, to the extent that they simply don’t notice them any more. Even the night freight trains, which are really loud. In fact they are more likely to notice (even to the extent of waking up at night) if for some reason there are no trains at all. I know when I moved away from home I was waking up at the times the trains weren’t going past for several months.

It’s wrong to compare a baby to a train, I suppose, but I think it gets the point across. Anyway, the bottom line is that hopefully all will be well, and if it doesn’t work out then we will have to all squeeze up at our end and have her and the baby back here. Which would be interesting! So let’s hope it all works out, eh? Anyway, it should be only a temporary thing, a year to 18 months at most with any luck, whatever happens and where ever she ends up in the short term.

For now, it is business as usual (which is busy and draining in every way). I still have my moments of worrying about the future, but I am doing better at noticing today, too.